Wonders of a cheat device
by t3h maniac
Summary: The game of FFVII. Played with cheats! Expect randomness, request randomness. Enjoy randomness. Latest: Cloud goes speed crazy... sorta
1. All limit breaks

-1**The Wonders Of The Cheat Device**

**Another parody? What is it with me and these things? I just keep churning them out. Well the concept of this one is that we are going through certain points of FF7, this time with a cheat device so I can do whatever the hell I feel like! First up… all limit breaks. Can you say "Overkill?"**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the (hopefully) awesome plot.**

**---**

"Just plant the bomb spiky." Barret growled, keeping an eye on him past a moment where he almost fainted right there. In reactor number 1.

The alarm klaxons started, a shadow could be seen hovering above Cloud and Barret.

"Barret! Move!" Cloud shouted as the robotic guardian dropped down in front of them, cutting off any hope for an escape. A few bolt spells and gun shots later it raised its tail, pointing at the duo. "be careful, attack when the tail is up…"

"Really? No problems!" Barret shouted before unloading a barrage of shots into the robo-scorpion. The robot whirred before firing an energy beam in an infinity loop shape at the two.

"…and it'll counter with its laser." Cloud said, picking himself up after being knocked back against the railing.

"Could have told me that earlier you idiot." Barret shot back.

"Well its down now. So hopefully…" Cloud calmed himself, time seemed to stand still. A force so familiar to him spun around his sword "OMNISLASH!"

He dashed towards the machine, moving left and right. Every time he passed it he slashed it. After 15 times of this he jumped up high in the air. The world seemed to pause as though it was a matrix movie. He came crashing down, slicing the robot in half.

"Damn spike. Overkill much?"

---

**Requests are loved for this, next time it will be… Sephiroth is always in the party!**


	2. Sephiroth in party

**Wow. Just wow. I didn't really expect this to get the response it did. I know to some people that 8 reviews for an opening chapter doesn't really seem like a big deal but this is the most I've ever gotten for 1 individual chapter. so as promised. Sephiroth is always in the party!**

**Disclaimer: Good grief, do I really have to deny any possession of FFVII every single time?**

**---**

"Seph! get up." Shouted Cloud. Slightly irritated at the lack of response his team mate showed.

"Nhdgdg" Was the incoherent response from the tents occupant.

"Sephiroth, its time to pick the exploration teams. Get up." Cloud said, sighing. There was really only one way to wake up stubborn party members, he channelled energy through one of the materia in his buster sword and started to cast a spell. "_**Ice.**_"

What happened next was mostly a blur of motion, a silver haired man shot up so fast from the chilling sensation that was currently attached to a more sensitive area of his anatomy you could have almost heard the sonic boom.

"That isn't the most considerate way to awaken someone Cloud." Sephiroth said, once his voice had dropped back below ultrasonic pitches.

20 minutes later all the members of AVALANCHE, plus one, had assembled in a line so Cloud could pick who would lead the expedition.

Sephiroth hated every freaking minute of it. As though someone was controlling his words, his actions, he couldn't strike the puppet and end it all. It was though he was temporarily compelled to do his bidding whenever a monster showed up. And then afterwards he still couldn't kill him. Not even a freaking attempt.

Cloud was supposed to be the puppet here.

"Okay the leading team will be me..."

_there's a surprise _Sephiroth thought.

"Aeris"

_Please not me._

"And Sephiroth" said silver haired swordsman cursed. He was always part of the team, no matter who else Cloud picked he would always be the third person, or second if the lion/dog thing was part of the group.

"Okay, lets Mosey people. We need to get to Junon, that's where the Turks said Sephiroth was heading.

_Do they not realise I'm travelling with them? Oh the bloody idiots. I'm trapped within the most stupid group, who's chasing someone around the world who is a part of their group._

"Actually..." Cloud began

_Yes! _Sephiroth inwardly cheered.

"I'll think we'll have Tifa for this journey, Aeris looks a little tired."

_God damn it._

Sephiroth's internal monologue of hate continued until the group took two steps forward across the plains, then the whole world started to swirl from view.

_I also hate random battles. Don't these monsters realise we're on a time schedule here?_

Sephiroth sighed and drew Masamune, the weak monsters near Junon proved to be no match for the legendary blade. He stowed it away quickly, flicking his hair to check if any monster guts had gotten in it when he found himself drawn to his left.

_Well I suppose there are benefits. _Sephiroth mused as he watched Tifa do her little victory stretch. 

---

**Next time its Inifinite Gil! Woot for Hax moneys!**


	3. Infinite gil

-1**Infinite Gil**

**Money problems are a thing of the past with this trick in place. Just be careful with your spending habits. Now with added Dragon Ball Z and Monty Python jokes!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII**

* * *

It was a quiet day in Costa-del-sol. The waves were calm, there was a general air of tranquillity in the… well… air. But all that was shattered by the goings on in one of the shops. Which had a special offer on two ton swords.

"HOW MUCH?" Cloud shouted, his jaw falling to the floor.

"Sir, it's a very reasonable price." The salesman said, cringing behind the counter.

"Cloud, just pay for it. Stop making a scene." Tifa scolded him, they were supposed to keep a low profile, although that was hard to do with a group consisting of someone who always wore pink, someone with a gun attached to their arm, someone with a 6 foot buster sword and a dog/lion thing.

"But its over 9000!" Cloud argued, waving his hands in a gesture to indicate that it was a lot of money.

"Cloud, we have the money. Just buy the oversized sword and go."

"But… wait, we do? Since when did we have that kind of gil? We didn't have enough money to buy a piece of ice materia in Midgar and the monsters don't carry much." Cloud asked.

"I… can't explain it. Just suddenly a few days ago my money pouch seemed to fill suddenly with gil."

"Have you tried taking the money out?"

"Yeah, and it just refills, like magic."

"Fine then we'll buy the sword. 9855 gil it is then." Cloud said, turning back his attention to the salesman.

"No no, you've got to haggle for it." Cloud sighed, the salesman was seriously getting on his nerves. He placed one hand on his trademark buster sword before his arm was grasped firmly by Tifa.

"Calm down no need to kill him. The one you've got works just fine."

"You're right Tifa, maybe we should check how Yuffie's doing in the materia shop." Cloud admitted. Fortunately the materia shop was any a few doors away and when they entered… they saw a seven foot high throne made solely from materia and held in place by ice, and atop it all, looking down on them, was Yuffie.

"What the hell?" Asked Cloud, trying to prevent his jaw dropping too far down.

"Bow before me loyal subjects. Kneel before the queen of materia!" Yuffie shouted, a maniac grin plastered on her face.

"Okay, so maybe giving her an infinite materia budget was a bad idea."

Well that was fun wasn't it? Anyway next up will be Aeris vs Sephiroth, the rematch! (The first one being when she got stabbed through the chest of course).


	4. Aeris vs Sephiroth

**I'm back people and that means its time for more fun with cheats! This is a request idea so if you have anything you'd like to see in this fic, leave it in a review and I'll do them, as long as they're within reason.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII. I do however own the plot bunny ™ cheat device. Just joking, I made that up.**

_

* * *

_

Estuans interius Ira vehementi (x2)

_Sephiroth!_

_Sephiroth!_

_Estuans interius Ira vehementi (x2) _

_Sephiroth! _

"Hah! You think that just because you've beaten my Bizarro form means you automatically win? Wrong. This form has arguably better music and more HP! You will never defeat… oh that's just cheap." Sephiroth said as his initial shell crumbled away and Cloud revealed his secret weapon, the one he'd been saving for this battle. Knights of the Round.

The blows were each as painful as a mega-flare and so far there had been 11 strikes. Sephiroth was ready to pack it in when he realised that after the next one the world went black.

_Oh poop._

_And now all that's left of me is a shirtless version of me that has all fan girls around the world Squeeing over and a sword. At least the puppets fallen into that long hole…_

…_that very long and graphically revolutionising hole that will lead him directly to me._

_Any minute now._

_Come on! This thing takes longer than that insanely cheap magic that he used._

"Ahem."

"Excuse me. Can't you see I'm waiting for my opponent to arrive for a plot related battle." Sephiroth said turning around, it took a lot of self control to get his jaw to not hit the floor of the cavern.

"What's wrong Sephiroth?"

"I…but…you… Aren't you dead?"

"Yes and to use the cliché, I'm taking you with me!"

"Look Aeris, no hard feelings for that, it was just business. At the time you were the biggest threat to my plans."

"No hard feelings? You stabbed me through the heart! Literally!"

It would have been simple for Sephiroth but unfortunately for him, the plot related battle automatically gave Aeris the great gospel limit break temporarily making her invincible, masamune bounced straight off her.

"Fudge." He said as she raised her staff.

* * *

Sephiroth awoke in a strange and yet familiar place, filled with green swirl light effects.

"Good to see you again Seph." Said a voice, from the sounds of it, it was a young man who was feeling very smug about the situation

"Zack? Am I…dead?"

"Yep, its not too bad though. There's an open bar."

"Very funny." Sephiroth said, making no effort to hide the sarcasm in his voice.

"Hey don't make me bring Aeris down here to deal with you."

Sephiroth froze at the name, switching on his patented level 9 death glare at Zack he whispered "If you mention that to anyone else here, I will make you wish that you could die in this place."

"Not unless she gets to you first!" Zack shouted before disappearing into the green light.

**

* * *

**

I'm back baby! Next up is hacked date scenes, which means I get to throw two random people for a spin on the gondolas! Guess the pairing (Not Yuri or Yaoi).


	5. OHKO

**Wonders of A Cheat Device**

**Now I knew I said this was going to be hacked date scene chapter but I've had writers block on romance/humour. Its been overdone by me to the point of near extinction from my mind. So in the meantime here's another helpful hack… OHKOs!**

**This is going to be painful for something.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the plot.**

**--**

"I hate submarines." Yuffie moaned, strapped in to one of the back seats as Cloud carried the gang away from the sunken Gelnika. Where they had managed to pick up a new materia in Hades and a new weapon in the form of Yuffie's Conformer. After beating 3 shades of blue into Reno and Rude of course. The Turks seemed to pop up everywhere.

"Relax Yuffie, it will soon be over." Tifa tried comforting the teenage ninja.

"I…urk…hope so. Motion sickness blows so much."

"Um, Teef. Yuff. We got a problem." Cloud said, his glowing blue eyes wide at the screen.

"What kind of problem?" Tifa asked.

"The 100 foot tall underwater destruction machine type of problem."

"Another weapon? I thought Diamond and Ultimate were the only two. And we beat both of them."

"Apparently not. This one looks much tougher. And we can't fight it underwater, the scuba tanks will only last for 20 minutes and we can't use our weapons very well underwater. So it looks like your on your own Tifa, sorry." Cloud apologized as the WEAPON stood right in front of them. It looked like it was charging some form of laser.

"Fine, just as long as the scuba gear doesn't squash my breasts, they don't like being squashed into small spaces." Tifa said moving over towards the equipment rack and then into the air lock.

"I will ignore that because the controls may go haywire if I bleed all over them." Cloud says trying not to have a spontaneous nosebleed from the comment and not look as Tifa changed into a wet suit.

--

"**ROOARRR! DESTROY ALL JENOVA CELLS. ROAR!**" Emerald WEAPON shouted. Trying to make itself look bigger as if a green killing machine wasn't scary enough.

_Well here goes nothing _Tifa thought as she swam towards the beast of the planet. She closed her eyes. Settled down on one of the ocean rocks, then launched a spinning kick similar to how people tackle in the FFX game Blitzball for those of you who played it.

The water took out a lot of the momentum so it barely tapped Emerald, however the impact was enough to send the WEAPON shooting up through the sea and out of the water. Landing on the plains next to Junon.

"boss man?" Reno began to ask Rufus who was watching it from his Junon office "What the hell just happened."

"Well either there was an underwater volcano, or that WEAPON disturbed Chuck Norris' underwater home."

--

"Uh Teef?" Cloud began as Tifa climbed back in. "How did you do that?"

"Not sure, but look I got this cool Harp!"

"Umm Cloud," Yuffie whispered in his ear "maybe we should just set Teef on Sephiroth now."

_And loose my voyeur opportunities? No freaking way. _Cloud thought "We need to get some more surface training done now."

--

**Ah. Maybe the term OHKO is the understatement of the fic. Especially with force like that.**


	6. break HP and Damage limits

**Break HP and Damage Limit.**

**You know the disclaimer drill by now**

**--**

The latest Jenova battle was more hard fought than previous encounters, mainly due to the fact the yellow 4x cut materia focussed on her arms instead of the head.

"Watch out! I think its going to cast Ultima!" Cloud shouted, Yuffie and Tifa tried to shield their eyes. The magic engulfed all three of them, and out of the green mist of the after blast came the numbers 9999 above every members head.

_Pathetic fools_ Jenova thought to herself, waiting for the dust to clear _now to make it so I get the spirit energy when meteor hits and not my finger quote 'son', seriously, kids these days. Even when it was me verses the Centra the children I fooled into thinking I was there mommy respected there elders and did some god damn chores but now... _Her eyes went wide however to see that all three of them were still standing and no revive materia or phoenix summons had been used in combination with final attack.

"That hurt you gross, tentacled, race-killing, mind-controlling, hentai fodder bitch!" Yuffie shouted, throwing the conformer directly at Jenova, splitting her in two cleanly with the numbers 99999 appearing.

Cloud and Tifa just looked in awe.

"First of all, who taught you those words? Your only 16 for pities sake Yuffie" Tifa scolded.

"What? I just said gross, tentacled, race-killing and mind-controlling and then threw in some random words that Cid used to describe her, I only know what Bitch means."

"Well maybe that's a good thing." Cloud muttered under his breath.

"Second, how did you do that?"

"I dunno maybe I had to many hero drinks, they work great for motion sickness."

_I hate you alll!_

"Yeah, hate you too mom." Sephiroth said from inside his barrier as half of Jenova dropped passed him, chanting for revenge before making a satisfyingly comedic splash at the bottom of the pool of mako.

--

**Remember to review and that when using google images to search for an Avatar, safe search is your friend!**


	7. Materia madness

-1**Materia Madness!**

**Where a piece of materia will become mastered and create a new piece of materia when the party does so much as look at a pigeon funny.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own FF7 okay?**

**--**

"Okay, so who's got the restore materia?" Cloud asked

"Me." Tifa said holding the pale green orb in the air.

"Who's got thunder?"

"Me." Red XIII responded, showing the materia lodged in the head-dress

"Who's got uber-cheap-spell-of-doom?"

"…" Both party members remained silent.

"What?"

"We don't have an uber-cheap-spell-of-doom"

"Really?"

"No, we just left Midgar."

"Oh. Could have sworn that we…"

"We didn't."

"Oh. Might as well take the first few steps towards the town…" Cloud said, taking a few steps up onto a nearby rock to see where Kalm was, just before he took another step, he was thrown into a random battle.

_No matter how many times it happens, I will never get used to the swirly screen._

"Okay, its low level guys so just hit over the head and it will curl up and die." Cloud said, quickly using the sense materia to analize the strengths and weaknesses of the monster. Tifa dashed up to punch it on the snout while Red simply gored the beast. Random music played in the backround as Cloud held up his sword in victory.

"Hmm, how interesting. It appears the materia seems to be undergoing metamorphosis of some kind, I think its become mastered prematurely."

"Really? As party leader I call dibs!" Cloud said, swiping the mastered thunder materia from Red's paw. "Hah! I feel the immense power in the stone! The force of thunder! I can control the heavens! I can…" Cloud's speech was cut short when the materia seemed to divide into two separate green orbs, the second one of course being directed at a high velocity to Cloud's forehead, knocking him out cleanly.

"Cloud?"

"Tifa, perhaps this is for the best, he must have a lot on his mind, this short term of unconsciousness might benefit him.

Meanwhile in the shadows behind the rocks a small figure moved.

"So mastered materia creates new materia huh? This may prove very useful for the new peoples republic of Wutai, led by me of course. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk."

--

**I have yet to use the following people in this, Vincent and Cid. All the others have gone through the cheat treatment except those two. However, I have something special in mind for Valentine, Mwa-ha-ha-err… review.**


	8. All Items

-1**All Items**

**Now this one is an odd one for the reason that it brings up some plot issues. When I first found this out I was pretty stunned myself. I have also purchased the game no more heroes for the Wii. And its really the first game to have really eaten up so much of my spare time since I first got FFIX, although the tone is radically different. A lot of gore, flashy fight scenes and some of the most colourful boss characters you'll ever see. That and the soothing feature to play with the main character's little cat. Aww, its so cute. **

**Disclaimer: I no own FFVII**

**--**

"Whoa." Cloud said, stopping the hike to Rocket town on the spot.

"Whoa what?" Aeris asked.

"did any of you feel that?" He asked as if he'd felt a small earthquake.

"Feel what? Wait, where'd all this stuff come from?" Aeris asked as she realised that her pockets had become suddenly swollen with items, and so had everyone else's.

"Oh my god look at all the stuff, potions, phoenix downs, hero drinks, elixirs. Even weapons!" The Centra continued.

"Sweet, okay everyone. Put on your most power weapon and let's mosey."

"Why do I have a sword?" Vincent asked brandishing a 7 foot katana which seemed somewhat out of place for him.

"You know, that kinda looks familiar." Cloud thought out loud, looking at it, tilting his head side-ways.

"Wasn't it sticking out of president Shinra's back?" Aeris asked trying to recall the events in Midgar from a week ago. But there was no doubt, it was definitely Masamune.

"Wait, if only Sephiroth can properly wield the sword and Vincent is wielding it that must mean…" Vincent's eyes slightly widened as he anticipated Cloud's train of thought.

"I am not looking forward to where this is going."

"SEPHIROTH!" Cloud yelled, picking up his newly acquired Ultima weapon.

"…" Said the Vincent shaped outline as the possibly vampiric former Turk fled back to the Nibel mountain as Cloud chased him with what could be described as a light-buster-sabre.

"Cloud! Calm down, he only has a low defence and HP stats!"

--

**I am not joking. If hacked into the items page Vincent can wield Masamune. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree hmm?**

**Who else thought that Ultima weapon in this game had a sort of light-sabre effect. Not as much as in FFVI but you get the idea.**


	9. New Monsters

-1**Hacked Enemies**

**Combine two random monsters and get a new one! What horrors are in store for the group this time.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything except the concept and a pint of Irish Cider.**

**--**

"I HATE THE SWIRLY SCREEN!" Yuffie yelled as her, Barret and Cloud were hurled head first into yet another battle where the layout of Northern crater temporarily changed to make way for whatever it was they had planned for what might just be the must unlucky group of heroes. The swirly screen beforehand always made Yuffie sick.

But this time was different for one the normal battle music was replaced with something… slightly orchestral. Some might call it the greatest boss music of all of the different Final Fantasies but then again, those people haven't played Final Fantasy V. Or at least haven't got that far with it.

Enough product placement.

What was revealed was a tonberry, silver in colour with a trademark knife and lantern, but also with a surprising addition, a solitary wing protruding out of its shoulder.

It was the One-Winged-Tonberry.

"Okay, I think this means we are _screwed_ here."

"What do you mean Spike, the things can't even walk before getting a face full of lead." Barret said, aiming the Missing score at the tonberry. It hit, a random symbol appeared above the tonberry's head as it keeled over in defeat.

"Whoa, how did that happen?"

"Where do you think I've been putting all those Knight materia things. They make great fuel for this baby." Barret said, patting the empty slots on his weapon "What the?"

"My precious. My precious." Said Yuffie, huddling with the Summon materia. Cloud and Barret thought it might be a good idea to back away from the crazy teenager at this moment in time.

--

**Tell me how Batman could beat a chocobo-superman hybrid. Review.**


	10. Max Stats

**Max Stats**

**Is it steroids, or something else which is making our gang over-powered like a Superman/Sephiroth hybrid minus the weakness to Kryptonite. Either way, monsters beware.**

**Disclaimers: I own nothing except this plot bunny (tm) brand cheat device. Not avalible from your local retailers.**

**--**

"Cloud, why didn't you just pay the boy two thousand gil?" Aeris said as she, Cloud and Tifa approached the Marsh leading to the Mythril mines.

"I can't afford that much for a piece of materia!" Cloud shouted, waving his arms as a sign of how un-reasonable the price was.

"But how are we going to get across the marsh now?"

"The old fashioned way, we're going to walk across it."

"But what about the Midgar Zolom?"

"Meh, probably just some story he spun us to make us buy all that chocobo stuff. I mean if there really was a giant snake on the only route across land between Midgar and the rest of the world, you'd think someone would have done something about it by now, right?"

It turns out that Cloud was wrong, after getting halfway across the marsh Aeris spotted an eerie looking shadow coming towards them. By the time the rest of the group had noticed they were all staring at a 5 story tall snake. "Okay, so maybe the giant snake _does_ exist but it was highly improbable."

The group panicked slightly. It was much more intimidating than that weird spiked wrecking ball thing that chased them through the highways of Midgar. So it was even more of a surprise that it curled up dead when Cloud hit it with the new sword he bought in Kalm.

"Wow, that was anti climactic." Tifa said

"Who cares about that? I am a god amongst mere mortals! I fear nothing!" Cloud shouted, waving his sword around with one hand.

"Um… Tifa? How do we stop him when he's like this?" Aeris whispered, trying not to attract the attention of the now-crazed mercenary.

"I know a way, it's a bit of a long shot since it worked when we were kids… Hey Cloud!"

"What?"

"Boobies!" Cloud put down the sword, mouth wide, before falling and rolling around in the mud laughing.

"Well it sort of worked."

--

**Hehe. Boobies. Funny word.**

**Tell me how spider man could beat MacGyver while he had access to, a toilet roll, a paperclip and an alarm clock. Review.**


	11. Debug Menu 1

**Debug Menu**

**This ones been on the to do list for a while now because it is so damn versatile. You can do a lot of things, even stuff that traps you in the wall. Speaking of which but still completley unrelated at the same time (number of people confused by that so far: 1)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**--**

"Cid?" Barret asked as he, Cid and Cait Sith trudged through an entirely black area with no sign of light ahead.

"Yeah?"

"Where the (BEEP) are we?"

"How the (BEEP) should I know?" Cid retorted.

"Well you're the one that let us here!" Cait Sith argued.

"Shut your trap you damn cat!"

"Hey wait, I see an arrow. WAHHH!" The three disappeared into a whole, transporting them into a similar black room, with no way of identifying what just happened.

"Okay, where the frick are we now?"

" 'Frick'? You running out of words?" Cid asked Barret.

"Quiet, both of yous. Its enough to make me circuits fry this bickering."

"Okay, lets just ask this old guy standing in… nothingness…" Cid noted as he spotted a square of people. An old man not unlike one of the people in the Kalm tavern, a few shinra grunts and some sailors, all un-moving. Suffice to say it freaked them out.

--

"Umm, Red? Do you know what's happening to these guys?" Cloud asked the fire/lion/wolf/thing. Poking Cid and Barret who were laid out on the grass outside Wutai.

"They appear to have projected their astro forms into another dimension." The sentient creature said wisely.

"Say what?"

"Yuffie is stealing their materia." Red added, Yuffie turned around from helping herself to the Titan summon materia to glare daggers at Red.

"Way to go you rat! Next time you tell on me I'll paint you brown!"

--

**I just wondered what it would look to the other members while were in the debug room, methinks we haven't seen the last of this place though. Don't forget to review!**


	12. Always win chocobo race

**Always win Chocobo race**

**If you actually put the time in for this mini-game/side-quest you will remember how much of a pain in the ass it was. Even with the 4 shoulder button trick most times you'd still end up at the back of the pack with no way through. Fortunately I now can make the damn birds work in my favour. Or should I say Tifa's?**

**Disclaimers: I own nothing but the "Plot bunny brand cheat device"**

**--**

"And the winner is… Boko! Would Boko and his rider Miss Lockheart please come to the podium to accept their price for winning this S ranked race." The announcers voice boomed over the sound system.

It was unreal, no matter what the chocobo, Tifa always won when she offered to ride it. Boko was only a basic Yellow chocobo who was normally only good for ferrying people across the marsh to avoid the giant snake in the Marsh.

But under Tifa's control… and riding crop…

_No! Bad thoughts! I must banish them, be gone! _Cloud shouted in his mind, the train of thought going along the similar lines to the narration. But there was definitely something up, he had always felt that he connected with chocobos the best in the group, they can see the resemblance, Barret joked.

But still whenever he tried an S rank race he always came second behind the guy with the Black Chocobo, his name slipped memory but it was said he was the best chocobo jockey on the planet.

"Congratulations boobs, I mean Teef." Cid said after a correcting elbow to the gut from Cloud "That fancy pants never stood a chance did he."

"I guess not." Tifa said, wiping the sweat off her brow. Cloud took this time to sneak off. He needed to have a conversation with a certain someone.

--

"Please tell me you got that recording." Cloud stopped short of entering the Jockey's lounge.

"Don't I always?" He peered round the corner to see the Jockey handing over a tape to someone else.

"Heh, hell of a view as always, I can see why you always stay behind her." The other person said.

"What can I say, its just too distracting." That sent Cloud over the edge, no one treats Tifa like a pure piece of fan service. Especially not some slimy people working at an overly cheesy theme park. He drew his sword…

--

"Cloud?" Tifa asked as the blonde swordsman moved towards him in a hurry.

"Tifa, I've think we've had enough play time here, time to go." He said, urging her and Cid out of the Gold Saucer, meteor wasn't going to stop itself after all and he'd rather not be here when they found two dead employees.

--

**Not so much a cheat, more like randomness but hey. If it works, it works. Don't forget to review.**

**This times review debate: Who would win? Link (main character from the Legend of Zelda series) or … Sora?**


	13. Infinite BP

-1**Infinite BP**

**This fic celebrates my completion of high school, wahoo! Same disclaimer applies as always.**

**--**

"Waaaaaah!" Shouted Cait Sith as he was chucked un-ceremoniously out of the battle arena for the ninth time, he being elected for two reasons: one, he was a robot and as such disposable, and two, he had drawn the short straw after Yuffie rigged the selection process.

Cloud sighed, and reached through his pockets to cough up yet another 10 GP for the receptionist, so far all they had gotten was 643 battle points and that was because when Cait looked a Ghost ship in the eye the cowardly cat did a runner.

"Who would you like to enter for this battle sir?"

"Cait, again." Cloud responded.

"No, come on man! Please no! I canne' take much more of this."

"Fine, I'll go." Cloud said, leaving the robot alone, apart from one teenage ninja.

"Nyuk, nyuk."

"What are ye up to lassie?" Cait asked, eying her suspiciously.

"Nothing…"

"Doesn't look like nothing."

"Okay, promise not to tell Cloud." Yuffie asked, trying her best puppy dog look.

"Depends, what is it?"

"You know that prize from here that Cloud wanted oh so badly?"

"Yes…"

"Well I already have it!"

"Say what?!"

"Yeah, turns out we have 999999999999999999.9 BP left or something."

"You mean I've been putting my tail on the line for nothing!" Cait shouted as the large metal doors of the battle arena shuddered open and Cloud exited with a bag of BP. "Oh Clou-urk!" Cait began but was cut off by Yuffie grabbing the robot.

"Shut it you pile of fur and bolts!" Yuffie said as silently as possible, trying to get Cait to stop struggling by twisting off its head.

"Yuffie? What's going on?" Cloud asked.

"Nothing Cloud." She said sweetly, despite Cait's muffled protests.

"Okay… could you put me in there one more time please." He said, turning to the receptionist.

"Of course sir, that will be 10GP."

--

**Heheh, Yuffie's fun to write with. Especially when she's a teenager. Review.**

**This issue's fight: Bowser vs. Robotnik. Incompetent villains collide!**


	14. Chocobo Breeding For Cheaters

**Chocobo Breeding For Cheaters**

**Or, How To Say No To Animal Inbreeding**

**I've dived around the chocobo theme for a while and feel that while I'm busy scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to do with this (Maybe two more chapters before I call it finished and move on with my work) I had yet to take into consideration the way to get the best chocobo. Inbreeding. So as is traditional with this series I'm going to kick that concept in the head, repeatedly, until I can see the tears rolling down its face.**

**No I'm not sadistic, just the breeding thing was more of a buggerance than the races.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except the cheat device.**

**--**

"…Cloud? You know there is a giant meteor above us right?" Tifa asked, poking Cloud who just stared at the two chocobos in the stable.

"…"

"Cloud?" Tifa asked again.

"Wark." Was the comment from a confused yellow chocobo, poking at a rather large nut found on an island north-east of Midgar.

"HAVE SEX ALREADY!" Cloud shouted.

"Cloud?!"

"Wha- oh sorry Tifa, I'm just trying to get a new type of chocobo."

"Oh… don't we need to get more information from that man at the northern continent first?"

"The hell I'm speaking with that guy again, he can't remember his own name most times, and the times when he does remember he bores me to sleep."

"So you're randomly mating two chocobos in the hope you'll get a gold one?"

"Well I would if they would JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY!" A large amount of Warking was heard, describing the scene would probably up the age rating of this entire fic so I'm not going to. "Woohoo! Alright Teef, time to give the love birds some privacy." Cloud said, shooing Tifa out of the stables covering his own eyes as well.

A few battles later and a new chocobo was born, it was tiny, but had a fluffy golden coat of feathers, prompting numerous 'aww's from Yuffie, the bird was kept away from her in case she taught it to pick locks with its claws. _Who needs it to pick locks when its soooo cute it can be used as a distraction?_ Yuffie thought.

"So we got a gold chocobo from two yellow ones huh? Didn't think it would work."

Meanwhile in a cabin in the frozen wilderness of the northern continent a purple spirit stirred. "I sense a disturbance in the force," The chocobo sage said "what was the force again? I can't remember for the life of me."

--

**Review with suggestions to keep this series alive. Or discuss how the Janitor from Scrubs could beat Dante from the DMC series.**

**(the fan girls are going to kill me for that one)**


	15. Game freezing

**Game Freezing**

**Been a while since I last messed with the fabric of reality by plugging in the plot bunny ™ cheat device. So this time I've decided to go for the completely bat-shit bonkers and started to have some real fun with it. **

**This is what happens when you use codes irresponsibly.**

**Disclaimer: I own none of the characters.**

**--**

It was a relatively normal day in the world of Final Fantasy VII. The giant meteor floating an undetermined distance away from the planet had failed to get any closer and it all seemed as if it would never arrive unless the plot determined so.

Unlike in Majora's Mask where you had to do everything in 72 hours or the moon with an evil face would collide and kill you all and then the whole thing would start all over again.

3 days… 3 days…3 days… 3 days!

Ahem.

As I was saying Cloud and his two selected companions for this trip, this time Barret and Cid for a change of pace. The two were more useful in a pinch than Vincent and Cait Sith were, Yuffie was still throwing up from the last jaunt on the Highwind with Tifa comforting her… and there was this rumour going around that Red had fleas.

He wouldn't take a flea bath as he said it would extinguish his tail and he needs it to stay alive or something. Yuffie was still calling him Charmander for some odd reason.

Yes it was a pretty normal…

…normal…

…normal…

…normal…

**ERROR CODE 80085**

"Hey Teef? Spikey and the weirdoes have stopped moving." Yuffie said, still a bit dizzy from her bout of motion sickness.

"What do you mean just stopped moving?"

"Seriously, they've just stopped. Look." Yuffie said pointing in the party's general direction. The 3 men appeared to be stuck in mid step, there was no temporal distortions to indicate that they had been pulled into an alternate dimension, nor were they passed out on the grass without a sign of injury to indicate that their Astral forms had gone into the weird realm that Cid discovered. They were just stuck.

"Do you think it has anything to do with the materia constantly dividing, or the money explosion? Or even that weird thing that means we can disregard all genetics in chocobo breeding?" Tifa asked

"I dunno, but if they can't move…" Yuffie pondered this for a moment, "You know what Boobs? I'll go check on them myself. Don't you worry about a thing. Apart from Charmander and the flesh eating insects." She said cheerfully, leaving the parked ship. If they couldn't move, they couldn't object to her taking the materia for herself.

--

**So remember, use codes responsibly or you will be stuck in one spot and have your balls stolen by a hyper-active 16 year old girl. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle.**

**(G.I. Joe music plays) Wait, where's that music coming from?**


	16. Hacked date Scene

**Hacked Date Scene**

**It's the one you've all been waiting for and I've finally stopped protas… that word that means mucking around… to actually do it. The lucky couple is…**

**(Drum Roll)**

**(Continued Drum Roll)**

**(Rick Roll)**

…**Reno and Yuffie! Congratulations, please collect your free tickets to the golden saucer.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Yuffie, Reno, some of the script since I'm taking it practically straight from the date scenes, the Golden Saucer or Rick Astley.**

**--**

"Damn it, what's taking that cat so long?" Reno grumbled to himself while looking outside the window of the ghost hotel. The Shinra helicopter was circling the amusement park ready for a quick extraction of one Keystone, recently won by Cloud Strife. They had to blow up a cable car just to make it look like the whole thing _was _out of order.

There were 3 knocks at the door, Reno's head perked up, _room service. I wonder what kind of kinky uniforms the maids have here_. What he wasn't expecting was a teenage ninja standing at the door with a scarily large grin.

"Hiiii C- wait? RENO?!"

"Oh crap, look kid. I'm not in the mood to fight you guys right now and its not currently my job. So could you leave me alone for once."

"Oh no, you guys are up to something and I'm going to call every one to bust your ass for whatever it is your doing. CLO-AAAAH!" Her cry for attention was cut short as Reno picked her up and slammed her against the wall.

"Listen hard and listen good. When I say I'm not in the mood, it means I'm not in the mood to deal with this kind of bullshit. Wanna go back to Wutai so we can tie you up where we found you?"

"No!" Yuffie shouted, her flailing legs catching Reno near a sensitive area, not directly on the area which would cause him to collapse from pain but close enough to still hurt and allow Yuffie to drop out of his grip.

"Why you little-" Reno murmured, reaching for his EMR when he saw Yuffie had already taken out her PHS and had already dialled Cloud for all but one digit, one her finger was hovering over.

"Not one more move mister. Unless…" Yuffie threatened

"Unless what?" Reno was definitely not game to take on the entire of Avalanche. After Sector 7 where he struggled against 3 of them he didn't want all 8 on his ass at once.

"You take me out on a date."

"Hahahahaha! You serious? Whoa… I mean seriously. You're a little too young for my taste, come back in about 4 years, then we'll talk." Reno managed to say in-between laughing. The little ninja looked heartbroken.

Sniff "You're mean…"

"Comes with the job brat. Now get out of here."

Another couple of sniffs "Meany!" She shouted dropping to her knees and started to pretend to cry.

"Aww crap. Sorry but I don't go out on dates with girls who are under the age of consent, okay. Its nothing personal just dates with me tend to end up in one place and I don't want to be arrested for it."

"What place?" Yuffie asked, still holding her face with one hand so he couldn't see that there wasn't any actual tears.

"You'll find out when your older."

"Then don't call it a date. Call it… something else." Yuffie suggested

"How would that help? Hey wait!" Too late, Yuffie had already dived in behind him as soon as he set two feet out of the room and began to push him towards the exit.

"Come on Turkey! Let's get moving!"

--

Reno reluctantly arrived at the main hub for the park after being pushed all the way out of his room, down the stairs, out of the foyer and into the tunnel. He could have easily stopped her at any point except for one fact, there were witnesses and he didn't particularly want to make a scene. Besides the little brat was still a member of AVALANCHE so she could always tip the rest of the group off if she didn't get her way. The last thing they needed was for anyone to suspect anything before the spy got the keystone out of the hotel.

"Tonight's enchantment night, all attractions are free." A man in a polka dot outfit announced.

_They better be for me since the Turks are the ones footing the bill._

"How about it you two, there's going to be an event at the enchantment square in a few minutes."

"Sounds like fun Turkey!"

"…Whatever." _Well at least now I know why Cloud's moody all the time. If he has to put up with princess here._

"Congratulations! You two are the 100th couple here and as such, will perform the leading roles in our play."

"We aint a couple." Reno growled.

"Oh well, I'll suppose I'll have to give it to the next couple who arrives here." The attendant said nervously.

"Why did you have to do that Reno?" Yuffie argued.

"The hell I'm wearing tights…"

A few moments later Cloud and Tifa arrived at the Square "Congratulations! You two are the 100th couple here and as such, will perform the leading roles in our play." The attendant repeated.

"What?"

"Sounds like fun, come on Cloud!"

--Back at Station Square

"So maybe the stage isn't for you."

"How about we return to our separate, and I repeat, separate hotel rooms and forget this ever-"

"Let's go on the Gondolas!"

"Wait! I didn't say that…"

--On the Gondolas

"Okay Yuffie… I've put up with a lot for you tonight but this has to be the absolute _last _thing we do together…" He looked up to find Yuffie kneeling on the bench with her head out of the window. "Damn, kid's got a nice ass for someone so young." He whispered to himself.

"Oooh pretty fireworks, all the colours of materia."

_Stat calm Reno, you can for once resist temptation to grab the booty that's being shaken in your face. Got thrown out of three strip clubs for that… damn no-touchy rule. Besides. She's under-aged, that's a jail sentence where being a Turk doesn't work as an excuse. _Reno debated in his own mind whether or not to do anything in this situation, whether to make a move or just ignore it and avoid what would probably lead to a bit of awkwardness. What he didn't expect was for Yuffie to drop down from her little perch, slowly walk over and kiss him. _Okay screw it._ "Hey Yuffie?"

"Yes?" Yuffie replied, now sitting down in her own seat instead of kneeling on it.

"What happens on the Gondolas stays on the Gondolas, right?" Yuffie's jaw could have hit the floor, her expression of shock and horror dropped into one of anger as she quickly jumped across half the Gondola to slap Reno across the cheek. _Kinda deserved that. _Reno conceded.

--

**Hehehe. Well that was a super long addition to Wonders Of A Cheat Device, next time we approach an attempt to get my review count into triple figures as we revive Aerith!**

**And if you want a review debate, Which of my long list of stories do you want updated next?**


	17. Pyramids

**Pyramids**

**Its alive! Its alive! And it almost has 90 reviews! This one features one of the easiest to use and (arguably) the most useful feature in the debug room, pyramids. Why are they so useful, well you'll find out.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own this except for plot bunny ™ cheat device.**

**--**

"Cloud, tell me why we're in a black room taking directions from Yuffie?" Aerith asked, slightly nervous in the complete black surrounds yet must have contained some magic, enough for them to see each other.

"Because I know, that we're not supposed in normality to be here therefore there must be some great treasure hidden at the end." Cloud explained.

"Spike, that has got to be the most (BEEP)-ed up explanation since when you tried to explain how we use these PHS things to switch groups in less than 15 seconds."

"Trust me in a few moments we'll hit that swirly screen that forces us to line up against a few monsters with a special reward."

"How the hell do you know that?" Barret asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

"Um…" Cloud fumbled with words as he tried to subtly close the internet browser on the PHS so no-one knew he was getting his information from a website "SOLDIER intuition?" He gestured. Barret and Aerith seemed to buy it.

PSSWWHHSHS

"Get ready because here they come!"

What appeared before the AVALANCHE trio looked very familiar, they seemed to be the pyramids Reno used to trap them at the sector 7 pillar. They fell very easily and didn't strike back at all. They just shuddered a bit whenever Aerith hit them with her staff or Cloud slashed them with his sword.

"Well that was anti-climatic. Where's this big ass reward you were talking about?"

"Actually, I'm kind of wondering about that myself. Wait a minute." The materia attached to her staff all glowed, indicating that they had increased a level, not to mention Cloud's wallet swelled up with gil. About 5 million worth

"Alright! Back to reality for us."

--

"Here materia materia materia. Come to mama Yuffie." Yuffie whispered to herself as she reached out towards Barret's gun arm.

"Yuffie?" Came the distinct Scottish (or equivalent) accent.

"WAH! I mean, hey Cait Sith, watcha doing?"

--

**Yuffie, when will you ever learn. Stealing materia in the debug zone never works.**

**This weeks review debate: um… just review anyway. Forget the debate thing. **


	18. Monsters in wrong places

**Monsters In Wrong Places**

**As soon as I tell you the location you'll probably know what joke is coming up. WARNING! THE CHAPTER CONTAINS FOUL LANGUAGE. Well, not much more foul than having Cid and Barret in the same room with no kids around**

**Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII, but I do own my Plot Bunny cheat device (tm). Not available from local electronic retailers**

**--**

"Shit, now what?" Cid cursed, stubbing out a cigarette before searching his pockets for a new one.

"Well we saved Corel from the Shinra train, I guess we go to Fort Condor now to collect the next piece of huge materia." Red XIII suggested.

"Alright. Kid, you know where we're going?"

"Yes sir mister Highwind."

"Less talk, more steering away from the mountains." Cait Sith said nervously, as they just missed the peak of the west side of the Corel Valley.

As the Highwind was successfully steered away from the mountains of Corel the team of AVALANCHE (Minus Cloud and Tifa who were in Mideel) something strange happened. For no explainable reason they were hurled directly into a random battle.

"Cid! Didn't you protect this place against monsters?"

"I fucking did! Its got missiles and shit!"

"Then why is there a Midgar Zolom on deck?" Vincent asked, his tone calm in contrast to the general sensation of panic.

"I dunno, just kick its ass off deck then."

While the Zolom had proved a tougher opponent when they had the buggy, now with a large variety of materia at their disposal it wasn't that much of a big deal to kill it. A few rounds of gunfire and a spear through the neck later and Barret was having to toss the thing off the side.

"Well that's do-" Red's victory statement was cut off by yet another random battle, 2 Midgar Zoloms this time.

"Enough is enough! I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking airship! Everybody strap in!" Barret cursed, causing blank looks from Cait, Vincent Cid and Red.

"To what dumb ass? We're on the top deck, no seats, nothing to strap in to."

"Just shut up and throw dynamite at them." Barret yelled over the hissing, prepping his gun-arm he fired a laser cannon obliterating both the overgrown snakes.

"Can we please go to Fort Condor now?" Yuffie asked, she was still lying on top since they had… acquired the airship

"Fine. Hey Junior! Try not to steer into any snakes this time will ya?"

"Yes sir." The red-shirt trainee pilot said in a squeaky voice. However when they were off the coast closest to the fort they were hurled into another battle.

"You know what, fuck this. Anyone wants me, I'll be falling into the ocean." Cid groaned tossing another stub away before heading to the emergency exit. Anything to get away from random battles.

--

**I told you the joke was obvious. And now that the pop culture reference quota is filled I can get back to normal.**

**Oh, and who would win. Poison Ivy or Black Cat?**


	19. Infinite MP

**Infinite MP**

**The time is now! At last we can spam the same spell over and over without using ether bottles to replenish MP.**

**Not that most people would want to spam anything apart from Ultima and Knights of the Round. Well maybe not the summon thing. It takes way too long to spam efficiently.**

* * *

It was cold. Very cold. Now Cloud understood what the man meant about not snowboarding down the slopes at a time like this. After wiping out he was now stuck in the great glacier, looking at a seemingly unsolvable iceberg puzzle. As soon as he jumped on one floating piece of ice the ones around him would sink and he'd have to swim in the cold water to shore.

At least it was soothing the black eye Elena gave him yesterday.

"Oh for crying out loud!" He said as he made the 5th plunge into the icy water. Thanking whatever power there was watching him that Tifa was there with a fire materia to keep him warmed up.

"Maybe we need to think differently."

"No, no. I can do this." Cloud told her, ignoring any signs of Hypothemia and made for the stepping blocks again. He decided that sometimes he had to double back on himself but just when he thought he had made it, he sunk again. "AAH!" Cloud screamed.

"Maybe if you iced over the gaps?" Red thirteen suggested.

"It's worth a shot, _**ICE 2**_." About an inch of the gap between the shore and the first block froze solid. "Well that didn't do much, _**ICE 2.**_" Cloud noticed that a bit more of the gap iced over, he repeatedly cast the spell till it formed a bridge to the first ice block. Rather than risking another jump he iced over the gap to the next one, and the next one. The magic ice refusing to melt.

After 20 spells of second level ice Cloud crossed over to the island holding an igloo.

"Well if it gets us out of this Blizzard, I'm happy." Red commented as soon as they entered the frozen building, the wind whistling behind them.

"We're not resting here Red. We're scavenging in case someone left a summon materia here or something." Cloud reprimanded, no save points to use a tent meant no naps.

"Hey! I found something!" Tifa shouted from behind a set of furs left by the place's last occupant.

"Let me see!" Cloud shouted, taking the item "A safety bit." His voice dropped an octave and he started shaking. "All that for a safety bit." The spikes on his head seemed to grow larger in size and glowed slightly.

"Tifa, I think it may be advisable to stand back."

Bottom line, infinite MP, a mastered fire materia and a large amount of rage do not mix well.

* * *

**Cloud goes super sayin (I don't care if I spelt it wrong, screw Dragonball Z) 3! Everyone get the hell out of the blast zone.**

**Reviews and suggestions are always appreciated.**


	20. Crisis Core Special Edition

WOACD: Crisis Core Edition

**WOACD: Crisis Core Edition**

**Branching out slightly we now hack the PSP game Crisis Core. Let's see how Zack acts with cheats up his sleeve.**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to SE.**

**--**

So maybe running into an underground fort filled with monsters and Wutai remnants was not the best plan. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to do so without any materia equipped, nor was it a good idea from when he was deployed to jump off the helicopter and shout "LEEEERRROOOOY JENKINS!" At the top of his lungs.

Ah, the benefits of hindsight.

Come to think about it, this mission in general even with optimum preparation was a bad idea. The scanners had picked up that this was a breeding ground for monsters specifically designed to take out Soldier operatives and the salvaging of any stolen Shinra tech.

So what he was looking at was a giant ogre with a tank cannon used as a hand gun, as well as a flail for melee attacks.

Fudge.

"Guys? Can I get an extraction please?" Zack asked, pressing the button on his phone.

"…"

"Ancients damn it, of all the times to get a crappy connection."

The DMV sparked off, signalling the beginning of combat, trying to dodge the weapons it spun 3 7's and activated the healing wave limit break, making him invincible. The flail knocked him back but he charged right back at the monster, brandishing the buster sword.

Soon the effects of healing wave wore off, just as the ground below him got ploughed with a 50mm round launching him backwards. The DMV kicked in again, another treble 7 only this time activating the beat rush break.

This exchange continued, whenever it look liked Zack was sunk the DMV always saved him, eventually the monster was killed. Mission accomplished.

--

"You forgot these Zack." Tseng pointed out, holding a crate of materia in one hand.

"Yeah… silly me huh?"

"You were lucky to survive."

"Please, it was a piece of cake. I doubt anyone could stop a Soldier who had the DMV built in." Zack dismissed.

5 years later in the Shinra building…

"So you got that new DMV thing installed huh?" One third class asked to another.

"Yeah, the last guy to use it was supposed to be invincible."

"Outta my way fool!" Barret shouted, charging down the corridor, sending both SOLDIER members sprawling.

"Invincible huh?"

"Shut up Jeff."

--

**If only this sort of thing would happen without cheats…**


	21. Aerith lives!

**Aerith Lives!**

**A transparent attempt at getting 100 reviews.**

**Disclaimer: I no own, you know sue.**

**--**

It had been three nights since the incident at the Forgotten capital of the Ancients. Sephiroth's trail of destruction had got a lot more personal with the rest of the group. It had lead them to what was quite literally the edge of the known world, no airships had ever been this far north before. At the foot of Gaea cliff, beyond which was Sephiroth and god knows what else.

It was times like this where it is important to know how to climb cliffs at sub zero temperatures that Aerith really wished she had more than a pink dress and small jacket. How the hell did Tifa deal with it? She only had a tank top and a leather mini skirt, those nipples should be visible for a 1 mile radius if it wasn't for the blizzard! Perhaps it was some martial arts technique passed down through the generations. Maybe she should ask.

"Hey Tifa?" She asked softly.

"Hey Yuffie did you just hear a noise just now?"

"Probably the wind, or my teeth. Leviathan this place is cold."

"Um, hello? Can you two hear me?" The flower girl tried again.

"There it is again!"

"Maybe your just imagining things Tifa. Old age." Yuffie commented.

"I am not old! I'm only four years older than you!"

"Relax! No need to go kung-fu crazy on me, I was only joking!" The shinobi said backing away.

"Hello! Can you two hear me?" Aerith shouted.

"There it is again."

"I herd it too that time." Yuffie replied thoroughly spooked, its as though this place was haunted by something or someone.

"AAAAAAH!" They both screamed when Aerith jabbed them both in the sides, trying to get them to acknowledge her presence.

--

Meanwhile Sephiroth was trying to maintain his lead over the heroes by scaling the cliff before they did, he didn't need any potions so nothing was holding him down, he could probably make it up there and into position in a few hours, he lost a lot of time cleaning the blood off his sword, Centra apparently leave quite the stain.

At least it was quiet.

"AAAAAAH!" The scream from down below shook the ice directly above his head causing the inevitable chain reaction of being trapped in an avalanche i.e. a large drop while being crushed by tonnes of frozen water.

Sometimes I'm beginning to think that my narrative may be the slightest bit jinxed here. Whenever I say something is going smoothly it always goes wrong. Maybe it's just me.

"Remind me to kill the people responsible, directly or otherwise for that scream."

--

**Do you have any idea how hard it was NOT to make an "I see dead people" joke here? Any idea at all? **


	22. You've created a time paradox

You've Created A Paradox

**You've Created A Paradox**

**Insert Metal Gear Solid game over theme here.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but plot bunny cheat device™**

**--**

Cloud stood in awe of the great general Sephiroth, supposedly the greatest hero of all time as he stood before the giant Dragon. The capital D was there for a reason. It was bloody massive!

It could probably eat most dragons for breakfast and still have enough room for a mid morning snack of human. Which both Sephiroth and Cloud happened to be, well Sephiroth was only some part human to be fair to him.

Sephiroth rose his Katana to charge the beast when he tripped over a passing tonberry in pursuit of one of the MPs that they had taken with them, his trademark katana went flying as he was spread out on the ground embarrassed. Things went from bad to worse when the sword fell point down on Sephiroth's back, impaling him.

However Cloud was not completely helpless, salvaging the material from Sephiroth he quickly cast Quake3 on the Dragon killing it after throwing grenade after grenade to weaken it.

He then went on to the village of Nieblehiem as the sole 1st class SOLDIER but didn't see Tifa anywhere...

--

"And that's how it happened, any questions?" Cloud finished the flashback with the rest of Avalanche giving sceptical looks, especially Tifa.

Barret put his non-gun hand up "Just one."

"What is it?"

"How fucking high were you when you saw all that shit?"

--

**And that is why you don't hack flashbacks. If you do, you're more than likely to break the game. Don't find out the hard way.**


	23. You're too slow

**You're Too Slow**

**Now let's do away with that pesky ATB and have it automatically filled hmm? That should provide some amusement.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except plot bunny™ cheat device which is completely of my own fabrication**

**--**

Ah the swirly screen, a gateway to a realm where the group could unleash their full force of summons, spells and nuclear warheads without affecting the nearby terrain. It took a bit of adjusting too but in Midgar the group had already adjusted to it, along with anyone who joined thereafter.

Except for Yuffie but she was complaining that the swirls agitated her motion sickness more than an Airship ride, it was a wonder how she managed to hold in the hurl until after the monsters had been defeated.

One aspect of the alternate realm however was that they could never follow up on an attack, it was like a game of chess only with much more complicated mechanics than "pawn moves one space forward, one space diagonally forward if capturing". It forced whoever had attacked to rest a while, for some it gave them an opportunity to reload, or take a cigarette break but for Red and Cloud it was bothersome. It took more effort in bringing the oversized sword down and into a waiting position than it took to swing the bloody thing in the first place.

That's why they always claimed dibs on any 'Haste' spells that were cast.

However this was not to continue.

"_**Ice2" **_Cloud cast, watching the monster become covered in ice crystals but still it wouldn't collapse. He expected for him to be unable to act for a while as per normal, perhaps letting Red or Vincent finish this one but the normal force that kept him on defence wasn't there, he could continue to cast or slash away.

"You know, I don't think we're required here Vincent." Red commented as Cloud just went berserk on all the remaining monsters without a pause.

"Then why can't we leave?" Vincent asked, shifting uncomfortably.

"There are some mysteries in the universe that cannot be solved without destroying one of the walls that hold it together."

"Haven't we done that already?"

"True. I was just making an excuse." Red admitted.

"There can only be one!" Cloud shouted as his buster sword cleaved through another Nibel Wolf.

"Remind me to remind Tifa not to let him watch Sean Connery movies."

--

**I'm kinda grasping at straws here, I need suggestions people. I don't want this to fade into obscurity, it has over 100 reviews! **


	24. Press Reset

**Press Reset**

**Now for an alcohol induced bout of randomness. Not cheat induced this time.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

**--**

It was not going well to say the least, the planed assault on Sephiroth and Jenova via the northern crater to get them out of the way so Holy could run its course had run into a little hitch.

God damn Tonnerries.

The AVALANCHE crew had run into these beasts before in the battle arena at Golden Saucer where they were very difficult to dispatch. For example, the bloody things wouldn't die if Cloud hit it over the head with his new sword Ultima Weapon. Considering the effort gone into collecting that sword, including flying back and forth across the planet to find the WEAPON (that's the monster, not the sword), beating him up and ramming him a couple of times with the Highwind just so the goit could go explode over a forest and drop the cross between Cloud's Buster Sword and a beam blade that are the equivalent of swords in a sci-fi setting with no rural features.

Because swords were just better than guns, apparently, must be the whole no reload thing about them. Considering that the average protagonist chews through millions of random monsters, not-so random monsters, robots and guardsmen for the evil empire or Microsoft with an army I can sort of see the appeal in not having to buy ammunition every 30 minutes as well.

But anyway, Tonberries were very tough critters, considering that they moved very slowly and had only one attack that they could only use after having just waddled up right next to you. That knife could knock someone out in one hit if allowed so it was best to kill the buggers fast.

The problem?

The ones in Northern Crater didn't fight fair!

Sure they were a bit different to the garden variety, being purple and having a random star floating above them but the main issue here is that whenever it got bashed around the head or freaking nuked it cast a rare spell. None of the group was sure how it worked but everyone agreed it hurt.

"Damn it." Cloud cursed as the last slice failed to kill it as darkness surrounding him, the last thing he heard was the chattering of the lantern being shaken. The same thing Cid and Vincent heard last.

**Game Over**

**New Game**

**-Load.**

-Slot 1

Slot 2

Cloud woke up on the deck of the Highwind, checking himself for knife wounds left by the Tonberry but couldn't find any. Nor was there any damage from that weird spell that it cast.

"Vincent?" He asked carefully. "Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" The Gothic immortal said in his trademark monotone.

"Just that Tonberry really did a number on us. I was just checking." Cloud explained

"What Tonberry?" He asked confused. He didn't remember about any Tonberries.

"You know, that weird purple thing in Northern Crater."

"We haven't been to Northern Crater yet. Tifa's still demanding to go on the (Censored) Snowboarding game at Gold Saucer." Cid shouted through the door to the conference room.

"I think he may have been hallucinating again." Vincent said opening the door to talk with Cid more quietly.

"Aw crap, if he goes freaking psycho on us just throw him overboard."

--

**Ah the fourth wall, how I've missed taking a sledgehammer to you in such a fasion.**


End file.
